I have a hard time realizing that I'm a grown-up. I know this may seem silly because I have technically been an adult for a decade, but I just find it hard to believe sometimes. I'm not sure how it happened that I'm in the front seat of the car. I don't know why I'm not still squeezed between my older brothers, riding through life without the worries and burdens of a grown-up life.
Trust me, I am not mature enough to be a mom. I am not responsible enough to be in charge of two little kids! I get my feelings hurt too easily. I am selfish way to often.
When you were a kid, did you ever have the chocolate cake experience? I mean the one where your mom just baked the best chocolate cake you've ever seen. You can tell by looking at it that it was going to be amazing. A-maz-ing! You also know the right thing to do is get down from the chair and walk away from the table. You know that if you'll just wait, the cake will be just as good when it is the right time. You know that feeling. You knew the right thing to do, but it was the hardest thing to do.
I've been feeling like I'm staring at chocolate cake for a while now. I have two amazing children and an awesome part-time job that eat away at "my" time. I'm staring at the table of "quiet moments". I know that if I just get down and walk away from the table, those "quiet moments" will be just as amazing when it's the right time. But to get down from staring at that chocolate cake, to engage my kids with my whole self is the hardest thing to do.
I don't like to slow down. I'm not good at playing with playdoh because they always smash my masterpiece or mix up the colors. I'm not good at playing cars because, no matter how hard I try, my car noises sound like I'm running out of batteries. I'm not good at coloring because it means that the laundry isn't finished, the kitchen isn't cleaned, and the floors aren't vacuumed. I'm just not great at this.
But I'm falling on my knees today. I begging God to help me do this. I'm obviously not able on my own. I've tried and failed a thousand times! But I'm ready to see my sin as sin and hate it for what it is. I'm praying that God would allow me to be spent gladly on the souls of my children! Anything less is sin.
"I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls. If I love you more, am I to be loved less?"
2 Corinthians 12:15